You wonder how you ever got this fat and I can remember looking at fat people and thinking "How can anyone let themselves go like that?" - and here I am - fat, fat, fat - in fact - obese is the correct word according to my BMI - how embarrassing! I am actually embarrassed that I am so fat - and I look so ugly - my usually big beautiful eyes have sunk into my whole flabby double face - eeeegggghhhhhgh! When I left school 30 years ago, I weighed 49kgs - you better believe it - I was petit and tiny and gorgeous! And for the next 20 years I never ever had a weight problem.
I could not understand all these girls who were constantly "on diet"- which never seemed to make them thinner, I might add, until my hysterectomy and after I turned 40.
I think I look so comic because all my weight is in the middle of my body - I look like a Telly Tubby - I could roll down a hill without messing up my hair! But seriously, I have stopped smoking - so that is excuse number one - after smoking 50 to 60 a day, but now I have replaced smoking with eating - so, I will still have a heart attack one day! And secondly, my dearest, wonderful brother died of lung and brain and spinal fluid cancer on 18 September 2009 - he was only 55.
It was the most horrific experience of my life and gave me one huge shock - and I started eating more - "for comfort" I told myself! But you can rationalize for ever about all the reasons you are fat - the bottom line is - YOU ARE FAT - and you are the only person who can do something about it, and it all comes down to discipline.
I mean, lets face it, being fat is hardly going to ward off any heart attacks now is it? All I have done is exchanged one danger for another.
And it has taken me about 18 months to put on 30 kilos - but the thought of waiting 18 long months to lose 30 kilos puts me right off - I want to lose them NOW, this instant! Oh boy, let me tell you, you simply have to face up to it and systematically do something about it.
Set a goal weight, then you have to be strongly single-minded about reaching it.
Either you want to be thin or you don't want to be thin - I WANT TO BE THIN.
You have to concentrate on how much easier clothes shopping will be, how much prettier you will look and how proud you will be when people compliment you on how good you are looking.
What I am also going to do is get a photo from when I was thin and a recent one looking fat and they are going side by side on the dashboard in my car so I have to look at them every day - and they are going on my fridge and next to my computer screen.
Just seeing my fat face is enough to just about put me off living! But this is how my diet is starting - with the goal of how I want to look firmly fixed in my head! I will report back!