Family & Relationships Singles & Dating

In this gamble either way you lose

I frequently hear this statement from my female clients " he says that he doesn't want a relationship but he'll change his mind" There is no evidence to support this belief.The woman who holds it will act as though it is true and in so doing waste precious woman hours, sometimes years during which she could be enjoying a real relationship.

Understanding a little of how the human mind works shows us how unlikely the man in question changing is mind actually is.

Imagine this- it's a cold, wet mid-week morning and your alarm clock rings. You don't feel like making the effort to get up for work you switch off the alarm and wrap the duvet more tightly around you. You don't particularly like your job. If you do imagine for the purpose of this example that it isn't the case.

Then you start to think of the consequences of staying in bed. There's a limit to how many "sick " days anyone can take. Supposing you lose your job? You begin to imagine being unable to pay the mortgage, cover your bills.

Maybe your mind runs riot and you see yourself as a homeless big issue seller.Or perhaps you start to think about the holiday that you are looking forward to in a few weeks time or the great time you are going to have shopping for new outfits this coming week end.

Within five minutes you are out of bed, in the shower preparing to leave for work.My point is that all human beings are motivated to experience pleasure and avoid pain.

It's this motivation that causes us to make the effort to do anything. If the man concerned is already getting what he wants from the situation, company, sex, cookery, fun on his terms why would he feel the need for a relationship.

A relationship particularly becoming someone's life partner requires effort and commitment. We have to really want to do something or we simply won't. Of course this does not apply to all men some are actively seeking a life partner.

However this particular one has said the he isn't. At least he is being honest. No doubt there have been times in your life when you weren't seeking a partner either.

Back to our analogy-you are about to leave for work when you receive a letter to the effect that your elderly uncle living overseas has died and left you a small fortune.Or you receive a phone call to say that you have won the lottery. Are you still going to leave for work? Why bother you already have all the money you'll ever need. Similarly the man who doesn't want a relationship is unlikely to trade a situation were he is free to do as he likes and is able to spend time with you as and when it pleases him for being in a relationship. A relationship requires effort. The man who says he doesn't want a relationship probably sees himself as having the best of both worlds. He can enjoy being a single without missing out on what you have to offer.

You may be thinking that unlikely doesn't mean impossible he could change his mind and that's quite true. There are exceptions where men who have said they did not want a relationship have changed their minds.

Here is one involving Wendy a client in my therapy practice and her boyfriend Ross, not their real names. Wendy came to see me to increase her self confidence and address some problems from her past.

She told me that on her first evening out with Ross he had said over dinner " this can't be serious". Eighteen months on they lived together in Wendy's home. Wendy paid all their expenses and undertook all household chores.She even paid for Ross's lunches and his travel to and from work. Sex was virtually non-existent unless she imitated it. Even then Ross wasn't very keen.

As a result of helping Ross with his financial problems Wendy had got herself into difficulties which were now being sorted out. In other words he dictated the terms of their relationship.Waiting around for a man who says that he does not want a relationship is usually time wasted.

Any relationship that does begin will almost certainly be on his terms. Why? The woman who waits around in the hope that " he will change is mind" is sending out a clear message that she is willing to accept this.

We don't have to wait around in the hope that " he will change his mind" or accept one-sided relationships were we do all the giving. The world is full of loving, caring men seeking relationships. Simply becoming aware of this is the first step to finding yours.

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