Man
Overboard!
Story by Andrew McEwen
Photos by Sado Tamako
They will all tell you different at Beijing's
first windsurfing club, but this is exactly how it happened.
There I was, bob-bob-bobbing along, minding my own business on a flat calm Jinhai Lake. A warm breeze tickled the dry tousles of my well-groomed mane.
During a two-hour doze to Pinggu, I had dreamt of bikini-clad MTV babes under Australian azure skies worshipping at the foot of my well-oiled board as I shot my technicolor craft into the rippling waves, the foamy roar of salty spume mingling with their Californian gasps of admiration at my manly gate.
"You're wearing those?" BTM colleague May asked as I strode purposefully out to the pier, sporting custom-faded 10-year-old Fat Willy's Surf Shack shorts.
"Yessir, why?"
"Oh. Nothing."
Anyway, as I was saying, it was at this point, floating like a cork on still gray silty reservoir, some 10-15 nautical meters from the shore, that I caught sight of a distant pinpoint, a funnel perhaps, or the proud prow, I fancied, of some mighty, inflatable vessel making speed toward my ball bearings.
As the breeze bellowed my main sail, I believe I was quite naturally distracted by a whiff of my native isle's sea breeze.
Mmmm, a peanut butter sandwich triangles, a Marks & Spencer choccy biccy and a chipped mug of milky tea would do the job just nicely, I thought. Briefly, I pictured Mother ("You bought those?" she remarked outside the shop in Padstow).
"Set a course for the gamma quadrant. Full steam ahead ensign. We're going home!" I shreiked at a confused child collecting plastic bottles onshore. Grabbing my bridge boom by the boson and tightening my tiller, I came full about, moving the rudder amidships and tippy-toeing around the mast to avoid any poopdecks.
"ANDY! ANDY! Over here! Over here!" cooed a delicate Japanese damsel, clearly in distress, somewhere asternum. My vessel's superfluous sail obscured normal 360-degree vision and I think that, more than anything, plus various freak wind and current conditions, created the titanic cocktail that was my watery doom.
In times of great danger like this, a gentleman doesn't think of himself, only of the women, the children, the rescue plan etc.
"All right! Don't panic! Don't panic! I'm coming about!" I skirled authoritatively towards the clicking sounds emanating from the motor boat behind me.
It was then that a freak tidal wave engulfed my galley, sending all hands on deck overboard and into the icy-tepid depths of Jinhai. Earlier, I had modestly mentioned to my shipmates that I would not need a lifejacket.
I still maintain it was nigh impossible a man of proud seafaring stock like myself could fall. But I learnt, as have others -- Sir Francis Drake, Admiral Lord Nelson and Captain Merrill Stubing --woe betide the man that does not respect the Cruel Sea.
I have only the grace of the Supreme Being, my lifejacket and the 1-meter deep water to thank that I am alive here today to share with you all how I made it through.
Whatever you do, don't chance it: Think very carefully indeed before embarking on an appointment with Beijing's only windsurfing club. A seasoned sailor like myself has the necessary expertise to prevent a windy, watery death at their hands.
You might not be so lucky.
How to Try Windsurfing
Cost: 600 yuan/year
Club membership benefits:
- Two hours training from national leved professional instructor. Primitive English can be arranged.
- Free use of imported windsurfing facilities during the training.
- Complimentary four hours of water sports activities: rubber dinghy; windsurfing; dinghy; canoe.
- Free soft drinks during the training.
- Club members enjoy discounts at certain water areas: Monday to Friday, 40 percent discount; public holidays, 30 percent discount; relatives and friends, 20 percent discount (maximum for two persons).
- Windsurfing Club members also enjoy discount in attending the diving club.
- Old club members enjoy gathering together for parties and souvenirs.
Tel: 136-1186081